We experience physical sensations and a variety of emotions, the presence of which often signal how much energy or strain we are carrying. Our thoughts and beliefs, which are triggered, are frequently shaped by early experiences. Through our will and actions, we will make choices, on the basis of thoughts and beliefs and we note that the results of our decisions will not always be within our control. Beneath all of these dynamics are longings for love, acceptance, belonging, meaning, and worth, which we could say, are the things that make us human.

As a friend, partner or counsellor/psychotherapist, when we truly listen to another, when the person really does feel heard, while aware that everyone holds these needs, we can experience a certain flow of connection which can result in significant openings for change. As these needs are acknowledged, with care, shifts in perception and feeling can open a person to explore new and healthy choices. Of course, human beings are complex and deeply relational and so the process of deep listening is not always a straight line.

We carry feelings in our bodies and emotions, beliefs shaped by our life experiences and inner responses and a capacity to choose, even when outcomes remain uncertain. At our core, we share longings for love, acceptance, belonging, and a sense of worth and meaning. Good listening recognises these shared human needs and responds to them with understanding and respect.

A Simple Visual Model of the Person

Think of a person as four connected layers, each interwoven with the others. No single layer stands alone in this complex system called human.

        ┌─────────────────────┐
        │       HEART         │
        │  Deep Longings &    │
        │  Core Needs         │
        │  • Love             │
        │  • Acceptance       │
        │  • Belonging        │
        │  • Worth & Meaning  │
        └─────────▲───────────┘
                  │
        ┌─────────┴───────────┐
        │        WILL         │
        │  Choices & Actions  │
        │  • Decision-making  │
        │  • Responsibility   │
        │  • Effort & Values  │
        └─────────▲───────────┘
                  │
        ┌─────────┴───────────┐
        │        MIND         │
        │  Thoughts & Beliefs │
        │  • Interpretations  │
        │  • Assumptions      │
        │  • Often shaped by  │
        │    early experiences│
        └─────────▲───────────┘
                  │
        ┌─────────┴───────────┐
        │        BODY         │
        │  Feelings & Energy  │
        │  • Physical states  │
        │  • Emotional states │
        │  • Stress & fatigue │
        └─────────────────────┘

How the Layers Work Together

  • The Body signals what might be happening internally through physical and emotional experience.

  • The Mind makes meaning and predictions from these experiences through thoughts and beliefs.

  • The Will responds by making choices and taking action, even though outcomes are not always controllable.

  • The Heart holds our deepest longings, which quietly influence all other layers.

Change or distress in one layer will affect the others.

Why This Matters When Listening

When listening to another person, in finding the pain, it helps to ask:

  • What might their body and emotions be carrying and experiencing?

  • What beliefs might be shaping their experience?

  • What choices are they trying to make?

  • What deep longings might be unmet?

Good listening attends to the whole person, not just surface behaviour and noticing how these parts might work together.